god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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