they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
