Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize