I am spending my child support on dildos
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
