no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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