Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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