i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
