You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish you could order shots online.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
