i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
