i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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