Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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