Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Four minutes until I can fart!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize