Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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