I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
