I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
