Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
