My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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