my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
