We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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