This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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