I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
