she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
