Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize