He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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