one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
