Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
