i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
