She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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