My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
