I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
