I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
