i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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