once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
