One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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