I'm going to jail i love you
I'm eating all of the evidence.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
