im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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