she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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