I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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