3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I could make wine with my vomit
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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