Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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