you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
