so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm too high and old for this...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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