Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
