I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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