is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
