So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
