my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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