Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize