whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
