I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I've blown a few things in my day
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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