I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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