You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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