Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
