Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
where does the pee come out of this thing
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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