last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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