Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
