Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
