I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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