well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
