I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
