Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
