period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
