I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
