Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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