I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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