I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
