theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
